"Every fear has no place against YOUR great name"-Max Lucado

This is something that I have been trying to learn the last month..giving up every fear. I was reading through "Fearless" on my way back from the Hastings football game (NW won in case you wanted to know :) ) and came across a thought provoking statement in the book..."Storms are not an option, but fear is." It made me think of my friend's family as her dad was just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in the abdomen. With so much uncertainty and questions could I face this storm without fear if I was in their place? Then I was reminded of when Peter was walking on the water in Matthew 14. He was walking perfectly fine until a gust of wind came along and he took his eyes off of Jesus in the distance and began to lose trust in Jesus. Jesus reached out to him and caught him saying "you of little faith, why did you doubt him?" I have had a lot of fear over the last few weeks with loan repayment coming up VERY soon and still no nursing job. I have been very discourage with the hunt for a job and have been really sick of filling out applications. I was challenged to check my attitude against the fruits of the spirit which has helped a little to remind myself of the things I should be thankful for but also a challenge to find the joy and peace. The fears of never getting a job, of becoming a nurse, were consuming me. Then again it is told best in the novel Life of Pi, 

I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear slips into your mind like a spy.

But we need to expose our fears, say them out loud because they lose power when we disrobe them. So that is what I am attempting to do. Hang my fears out to dry so the whole world knows. 

Abba,

You have given me a heart for your people.
I want to use the gifts you've given me to help others.
Show me where and how you want me to help others and take the fear of failure away.
Give me a hospital, a specific unit, a specific population you want me to serve.

Here's a song by Meredith Andrews to meditate on this week. 

Thankfulness

I have loved the song 10,000 Reasons (posted above if you have never heard it before or if you need a reminder of how awesome it is)  since the day I first heard it. When I went to Willow Creek with Mike this summer we were all encouraged to write three things that we were thankful for . Of course being the overachiever I am, I made a large list, but then people came around and gathered them. They then place them on stage where there were more than 10000 reasons  to praise God. It was an amazing site but I have failed once again to continue this thankfulness  It has been more difficult to be thankful  and happy with what I do have because I feel a loss of independence, don't have a nursing job, I'm not living where I want, I feel like I don't have very many if any girlfriends I can be completely open with or have deep conversations with about God and his greatness. I don't want to begin to have a deep conversation with some potential people that I haven been able to get to know deeply in the past because I know I'm leaving soon. But I have SOO much! I have a job at Hope Haven right now, I have food, but most importantly I have a God who loves and provides for me. I love the freedom to be able to talk about my faith openly whereas other Christians around the world do not have this freedom. Another thing that I take for granted is graduating college. I believe I am the first person in my family to get a Bachelor's degree. This is not a small accomplishment, but often times I make it smaller than it really is. I need to be more thankful for the wisdom that God gave me.

Update on the job search...the interview I had about a week and a half ago I felt went really well, but at the end of the interview was a time where I could ask questions. I found out they perform abortions at this hospital and knew right away that even though I would be working in ICU, I could not support a hospital that performs abortions so I declined the job. It actually was easier to turn down the job than I thought it would be despite it being one of the jobs I would love to have one day. I'm still waiting on the IL licenses

New things

The last few weeks I have encountered new things.

I went to my first Twins game at Target field with Mike on September 16. We were going to go to North Dakota that day since neither one of us has ever been to ND before but instead we went to the Twins vs. Sox game...Mike is a HUGE Sox fan so couldn't pass up the possibility. Wish the Twins had won..

Mike taught me how to kick a football the other night. It's a lot harder than it looks!

Friday I have my first interview for a nursing job! It's for a position as an ICU nurse in Milwaukee. Even if I don't get the job it still will be good practice. 

My youngest sister might have her first boyfriend. I'm not sure how I feel about this since I'm pretty protective of her and I have not met the guy yet. She gave Mike an application to fill out when we first started dating as a joke so maybe I'll have to return the favor :)

I also have been wrestling with more things spiritually. I really am excited to get a job and to be able to volunteer in a larger city, but what are some things that I can do here? I have an abundance of warm clothing I don't want anymore so why not give them to an organization who can distribute these to people who really need them. I sometimes forget that even in small towns there is poverty. Also I have had more questions about spiritual warfare and what this really means.

Nursing?

I have been to Africa twice now. Both times were very impacting in different ways. My experiences in Senegal were filled with seeing patients from babies to old men. It mostly based around providing medical attention to villages that had not received medical care ever. It also was about establishing connections for a mission organization to enter into later after we left. Uganda...all about loving on people. I was able to help in  the clinic there everyday, but it was the people that I will never forget. I miss the little kiddos running to the gate everyday to greet us yelling "Mzungu" I miss their little smiles. I miss talking with the teachers and them talking about my long, blond hair. I have struggled with wondering if this is God calling me back there. While I was struggling with this, my friend Stacy told me she would be stopping there on her way to Rwanda where she would be teaching for year. I kind of was jealous at first that God was calling her back to Africa so soon and for so long. However, after talking to some missionary nurses I realized the best thing to do right now is to practice in the States for awhile before going back to do nursing. I was able to read Stacy's blog of her week at Smile yesterday and it made me miss the people at Smile once again, but I was also given peace that one day I would return to see the kids again but right now I need to be satisfied with where God has me. I really feel as if God is going to use me to make a difference...even if that is only in one person's life. I have so many passions related to helping others that it is hard to figure out the one thing I would be best at. I'd love to help with providing clean water to the people in Africa. I would love to provide free/low cost healthcare to single parents and low income families. Teen girls in general interest me whether its pregnancy, counseling after assaults or rapes, anorexia, purity, or suicide prevention I would love to help girls to have a brighter future and to heal from the lies of the world. I also would love to help high school students who are getting caught up in gangs and crime to find more positive things to do after school than to hang around in the streets. There are so many other dreams and aspirations that I have, but the biggest question I have is..how does nursing play into these dreams? Why am I nurse (weird not to have student behind that!)? My education at Northwestern has provided me with an open mind to all these issues so I do not feel as if my schooling has gone to waste if I do not use my nursing ever, but it would be nice to do something with the degree I have. Is nursing for me?